Sometime during my battle to escape the shame of abuse I received an answer to a question that I didn’t even know I was supposed to ask.
Who do I want to be?
It’s a question that I had the right to ask and to explore. But I didn’t know that because, practically from birth, I was forced to be whatever person was necessary in order to survive my existence. To survive the abuse. Through it all I had act like I was still human despite the fact that most of my own original humanity was abused out of me.
For more than forty years all I wanted was to be a true member of the human race. To feel like I belonged like everyone else did.
The only thing I was able to do was piecemeal together a human for myself. I’d take bits and pieces from characters in movies, TV and books; from the celebrities whose lives were splayed out in magazines; from the other humans around me. And, quite honestly, what I did manage to assemble was just pathetic – inside and out. I was an asshole and I hate her. But I have to forgive her because I needed her to survive.
Now that the abuse has ended and shame no longer controls my life I do not need her but she is still here. But she wasn’t constructed in a day….
These foreign parts of ‘myself’ have been with me for so long I’m not even sure if any of the original me still exists….except for one. I’m pretty sure my somewhat overdeveloped sarcasm is from the factory. My brother and nieces are proof of that.
These days I am not so much concerned about being human as I am in the answer to the question ‘Who do I want to be?’
I want to be the person who You, Abba, want me to be.
Holy Spirit I need Your help. Help picking through the rubble and discarding the parts I neither need nor want; to see if there are any more original parts left; and most importantly, installing the parts I need and want. I cannot do it without you. I’ve tried.
And, please, increase my desire to love myself – to see myself as You see me – and to see all humans as You see them – with love.