I am having a conversation with Jesus, right now, as I type, about getting out of my own way. And immediately my Hypervigilance came up. That’s my internal defense mechanism I was forced to construct to protect myself – well, at least try to protect myself from physical and psychological harm. It didn’t always work but it was all I had.
The Hypervigilance was a response to the physical, psychological and sexual abuse that I first encountered at a very early age. In fact, one of my earliest memories – if not my very first – is of physical abuse. The development of my defense mechanism was not something that I had planned. I had no idea it was even happening. It just showed up and over time it molded itself into whatever I needed it to be.
The physical and sexual abuse ended years and years ago. The psychological abuse stuck around for a lot longer but is now gone. However, my Hypervigilance is not. And even though I don’t need it anymore I am clueless how to slow it down because it has always had a life of it’s own.
Now instead of assisting it is interfering. Turns out my Hypervigilance keeps not only the bad stuff out but the good stuff too. That means it is in the way of me learning to accept and love myself. And, for me to be the person that I want to be, I have to do those two things.
I have tried everything I can think off to counteract my Hypervigilance. But since I didn’t really start it I have no way of stopping it. The only thing I can do is….