I believed the underlying problem of my transition into life beyond the shame was that my heart and my brain were not on the same page. My brain understood that my fears are lies – that You only want what’s best for me, as it says in Jeremiah 29:11, “…to give you a future and a hope.” My brain understood peace and love and grace. It was my heart that didn’t understand – actively fought against it. I had been waiting for my heart to catch up to my brain….but it never seemed to get even a step closer. And that caused my frustration to grow and grow — often leading to tears.
Because I thought that was a problem that I had to solve myself it took me a while to finally talk to You about it. I begged you to move my heart along faster because I needed it to be on par with my brain so that I could get closer to You.
Your response, Lord, was a mind-blowing surprise. And Thank You for bringing Paul into my life to help me sort things.
You suggested that maybe my heart is actually ahead of my brain. That turned the entire situation right side up. It was so devastating that for about a week my brain locked up. When the ramifications of what You’d said hit me I burst out crying so hard I had to pull the car over. I was beyond overwhelmed with gratitude for Your answer. It made absolutely perfect sense.
Human Beings are nothing if not feeling – emotional beings. Yes, we are all equipped with logic but the brain likes to be in control. And one thing I have learned after what I’ve been through is that I am not in control – which also goes to Jeremiah 29:11, “I know the plans I have for you…”
So I have been trying to focus on what has been on my heart lately – envy with a fat dose of frustration. Then, You helped me dig a little deeper…
When I feel pain in my heart I am being told that the cause of that pain is something that is not for me to deal with. It is meant for You, Jesus, to deal with. You want to deal with it. Because that is how You love.
When I feel peace or joy in my heart I am being told that it is something that You want me to deal with. It’s a gift from You. Because that is how You love.
Previously, when the pain showed up, I always got swept up in it and had no choice but to hang on. White knuckle it until it ended. Now, when the pain arrives, I can stand my ground as it passes by. It still hurts – it’s pain. But it’s not nearly as intense and it doesn’t last as long as it used to. And I can understand it better.
Thank You, Lord, for being my refuge and my fortress. I trust You implicitly. And thank You for loving me the way that You do.