What am I missing?  Seriously, Jesus, what am I not seeing?  I have been told by the person I trust most in the world that he trusts what Holy Spirit is doing in my life so why can’t I seem to?  I say I trust You, Lord, but do I as deeply as I need to?   Or is my impatience and fear of losing more time getting in the way?

Jesus you know how lonely I have been…how ugly I was while trapped in shame for decades.  Now all I want is to…….

Well shit, I’m not even sure anymore what to want.  I thought it was to help others not lose hope.  The spiritual gifts test I took said one of my gifts was Healing.  I know that’s true because you led me to the work I do now but that work has become not enough for me.  Is that wrong?  Why can’t I just be happy with what I have?  And I am very grateful for what you have given me.  I’d already be dead if it not for You, Abba.  But part of my heart feels that after everything I have been through……I don’t know….do I ‘deserve’ more?   I lost a lot of my life due to the choices of others – and what I want most is to use the gifts you’ve given me to help other people.  I WANT TO SERVE YOU LORD!  AFTER ALL THE PAIN I STILL WANT TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT ME TO BE!  WHY CAN’T I JUST REST AND BE PATIENT?

Is it envy?  I admit that I feel a certain level of that when I see people that I look up to – people that You have put in my life to teach me, guide me to You – have what I want.  And it’s not necessarily material things, as You know.

I tried twice to finish college and couldn’t because the anxiety always eventually became unmanageable.  That’s also why I’ve had so many different jobs.  And, for the longest time, I thought that if I could just get a degree then my life would turn itself around and all would be well.  I have recently learned that the reason why I thought that was that the people I admired had college degrees – so if I had one I then maybe You Abba would love me and bless like you did them.  I thought that once I earned a degree I would wake up one day and be someone else entirely.  Someone who was loved and not beaten or screamed at or molested.  Someone who was a real live human – which is something I’ve never felt like.

And in thinking about it, is it envy that I feel?  Jesus You know better than I do what I really want and what I covet in others.  But I don’t want those other people to not have the things that they have that I want.  Mostly, I covet the choices they had/have that I never will – choices that all human beings have a right to.  But I’ve never been a human so what do I know about anything?

And I feel like ‘envy’ is not quite the right word.  Or is it?  Please, tell me Abba what is true.  I want to see myself as You do.  As best I can.  And I want to love myself as You do.  As much as I can.  I want to accept myself as You made me. 

Wait, is that it? Acceptance?  I’ve been waiting to feel like a human being for so long……  Have I been like Dorothy all this time?  I’ve always had the power to be a human being – all I had to do was click my heels together 3 times?  Maybe for me ‘clicking my heels together’ is accepting myself.   Could that be it?  I was about to say ‘could it be that easy’ but if it were that easy we wouldn’t be having this conversation.   Lord, You accept me – You made me.  And the few people I do actually trust seem to be accepting me.  I’ve never given accepting myself a thought.  Probably because I thought it impossible.  

The more I think about it the more I believe that the next step to move us closer together is to seriously consider myself for the better.  And it scares me because I don’t know if I can after the shitstorm I was caught in.  What I do know, Jesus, is that I absolutely have zero chance of success without You.    

Now, I’m not sure whether or not I should keep this part of the process between You and me.  Am I going to need some assistance from some of the other people You have put in my life?  I really am unsure of when or if I should be talking about it with anyone but You Jesus.

I think the Adversary is stirring up the envy – or whatever feeling it is – to try and block my efforts to love and accept myself.  Please, Holy Spirit help keep that crap out of my head.  I am not strong enough without You. 

Please forgive me Lord if I am being ungrateful.  I don’t mean to be.  I am extremely grateful for all You have given me.  I know it can always be worse.  I just want to be useful – I want to do more for You.  And I know that usefulness isn’t a prerequisite for You to love me – but being useful matters to me.  Is there something wrong with all that?  Am I just letting my impatience out?