What am I missing? Seriously, Jesus, what am I not seeing? I have been told by the person I trust most in the world that he trusts what Holy Spirit is doing in my life so why can’t I seem to? I say I trust You, Lord, but do I as deeply as I need to? Or is my impatience and fear of losing more time getting in the way?
Jesus you know how lonely I have been…how ugly I was while trapped in shame for decades. Now all I want is to…….
Well shit, I’m not even sure anymore what to want. I thought it was to help others not lose hope. The spiritual gifts test I took said one of my gifts was Healing. I know that’s true because you led me to the work I do now but that work has become not enough for me. Is that wrong? Why can’t I just be happy with what I have? And I am very grateful for what you have given me. I’d already be dead if it not for You, Abba. But part of my heart feels that after everything I have been through……I don’t know….do I ‘deserve’ more? I lost a lot of my life due to the choices of others – and what I want most is to use the gifts you’ve given me to help other people. I WANT TO SERVE YOU LORD! AFTER ALL THE PAIN I STILL WANT TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANT ME TO BE! WHY CAN’T I JUST REST AND BE PATIENT?
Is it envy? I admit that I feel a certain level of that when I see people that I look up to – people that You have put in my life to teach me, guide me to You – have what I want. And it’s not necessarily material things, as You know.
I tried twice to finish college and couldn’t because the anxiety always eventually became unmanageable. That’s also why I’ve had so many different jobs. And, for the longest time, I thought that if I could just get a degree then my life would turn itself around and all would be well. I have recently learned that the reason why I thought that was that the people I admired had college degrees – so if I had one I then maybe You Abba would love me and bless like you did them. I thought that once I earned a degree I would wake up one day and be someone else entirely. Someone who was loved and not beaten or screamed at or molested. Someone who was a real live human – which is something I’ve never felt like.
And in thinking about it, is it envy that I feel? Jesus You know better than I do what I really want and what I covet in others. But I don’t want those other people to not have the things that they have that I want. Mostly, I covet the choices they had/have that I never will – choices that all human beings have a right to. But I’ve never been a human so what do I know about anything?
And I feel like ‘envy’ is not quite the right word. Or is it? Please, tell me Abba what is true. I want to see myself as You do. As best I can. And I want to love myself as You do. As much as I can. I want to accept myself as You made me.
Wait, is that it? Acceptance? I’ve been waiting to feel like a human being for so long…… Have I been like Dorothy all this time? I’ve always had the power to be a human being – all I had to do was click my heels together 3 times? Maybe for me ‘clicking my heels together’ is accepting myself. Could that be it? I was about to say ‘could it be that easy’ but if it were that easy we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Lord, You accept me – You made me. And the few people I do actually trust seem to be accepting me. I’ve never given accepting myself a thought. Probably because I thought it impossible.
The more I think about it the more I believe that the next step to move us closer together is to seriously consider myself for the better. And it scares me because I don’t know if I can after the shitstorm I was caught in. What I do know, Jesus, is that I absolutely have zero chance of success without You.
Now, I’m not sure whether or not I should keep this part of the process between You and me. Am I going to need some assistance from some of the other people You have put in my life? I really am unsure of when or if I should be talking about it with anyone but You Jesus.
I think the Adversary is stirring up the envy – or whatever feeling it is – to try and block my efforts to love and accept myself. Please, Holy Spirit help keep that crap out of my head. I am not strong enough without You.
Please forgive me Lord if I am being ungrateful. I don’t mean to be. I am extremely grateful for all You have given me. I know it can always be worse. I just want to be useful – I want to do more for You. And I know that usefulness isn’t a prerequisite for You to love me – but being useful matters to me. Is there something wrong with all that? Am I just letting my impatience out?