Jesus, our journey together is at the beginning of a huge step and I am terrified…and excited. I am really looking forward to the discoveries that are ahead of me. But I am afraid of interference from my hypervigilance. For so long I had to anticipate the needs and wants of others and any thought of myself only brought trouble. I know You know that that was the only way I knew how to survive. And I know You know that I lived that way for so long that my hypervigilance has become ingrained – autonomous. It is difficult for me to focus on myself in any positive non-narcissistic way. When I do it feels like I’m doing something wrong…and that brings on anxiety which brings my efforts to a screeching halt.
I have been trying to not be so hard on myself. Trying to like me…love me. I want/ need to see me the way You see me.
I am weak and need Your guidance to stay in peace – in grace – in love.
And there is so much more running laps in my brain that I can’t even write it down right now. But You know. You know everything that’s going on inside me and I trust You to take me where I need to be – and want to be – in this season of our journey.
I trust Your calmness, Lord, and I pray I am able to stay in there as much as possible. Please, Jesus, pray for peace for me…pray for the peace I require to become the person you want me to be. I love You.